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ADVENTURES OF OVIE

Ovie!!! Ovie !!! ovie!!!

I heard someone call my name from dreamland but the sleep was just too awesome to leave. Before the twinkle of an eye, mama rushes into my room carrying a bucket of water and splashes on my face

ME: (jumping up with anger) argh!!! Ooh mama it is you, I am sorry.

MAMA: Sorry for yourself, so you are here sleeping while your mates are out there making something good out of their life

ME: Mama I wasn’t sleeping, I only closed my eyes

MAMA: Ooh, you were not sleeping abi. So you are now calling me a liar?

ME: Mama please I did not say …

(mama interrupts before I could finish)

MAMA: Shut up there. Ovie you have killed me. Must you fail at everything? A responsible man would know that even if he wants to do anyhow, he should use protection Ovie.

ME: Protect…what!(at this point the small sleep left in my eyes totally vanished). Mama I can protect myself. Remember I am the best wrestler in this area.

MAMA: My God, I asked for a son and You gave me this empty bag of mass. Ovierivie Lilian is outside…

(before mama could finish, I heard my father shouting my name from the living room ).

ME: Yes papa

MAMA: We are not done young man. Just know abortion is not allowed in this house.

Hearing my mum talk about abortion, I got even more scared. I didn’t even get a chance to think things through before I arrived at the living room. The view before me left my mouth agape. Kneeling right on the floor of my living room was LILIAN, my church member/piano lesson mate/girlfriend/play play love flanked on the right by a sternly looking man who was her father and on the left by her mother. The gaze everyone gave me the minute they became aware of my presence made me realize I was dead, to worsen matters, mama came from my room and pushed me out of the way.

MAMA: Now you want me to fall down abi. See how wet you look all over.

PAPA:  Youngman so you don’t know how to greet your elders

ME: Sorry sir; good morning papa, good morning ma, good morning sir, greeting Lilian’s Parents

The silent treatment from Mr and Mrs. Uzochukwu made me know I had no ally in the room.

PAPA: Do you know this girl kneeling down here?

ME: Ermmm…… well

PAPA: Young man do not play with me.

ME: No papa, sorry yes  ermm sorry maybe, no somehow.

At this point I saw that wicked chuckle on my dad’s face.

PAPA: The man who says he is ready to taste peppersoup must be ready for the heat that comes with it.

ME: Papa pls is it goat meat pepper soup?

Infuriated by my answer, my dad jumped forward to strike me but luckily, mum intervened.

MAMA: Honey please take it easy. He is still your son.

PAPA: Ovierive, I ask for the last time, do you know this lady?

ME: yi…..yi….yes dad

PAPA: Ok, who is she?

ME: Papa she is just a friend o. Infact, we met in church. She told me to teach her how to play piano.

PAPA: Ooh, play piano right? From piano you now played and scored goal abi?

ME: Papa is there any goal post on the piano?

With a look of shock, my father looks at my mum

PAPA: Woman why did you give me such dullard for a son?

MAMA: What is that supposed to mean now, is it not what you inputted that I outputted for you?

PAPA: Ovie this lady claims she is pregnant and that you are responsible. Infact, she has a pregnancy result to prove it. What say you?

ME: preg- what? Lilian how come na. shey it happened just once and you said you were in your safe period.

Lilian looks at me with a look of pain and sorrow, her eyes full of tears. At the mention of the words from my mouth, my mum and dad sent back every word with a resounding slap each.

PAPA: So you admit you are responsible?

Still dazed from 2 hot slaps I received

ME: Responsible, erm what is that?

PAPA: Ovie you want make I reset your brain with another slap abi?

ME: Ahh papa pls can I ask something?

PAPA: Go on

ME: Did the pregnancy test result say who was responsible?

At this point, Mr. Uzo who was already infuriated spoke up.

MR. UZO: Well look, there is no need to shout my in law. You see, I have 6 daughters, Lilian is the eldest and I shall not allow her bring shame to my family. Here is the list for the marriage rites. Please come and take your property.

MRS. UZO: Mbanu, biko my husband she is still….

MR.UZO: Quiet woman!!!!!! I have spoken

MAMA: Mr. Uzo pls it has not gotten to that yet. Let us settle this amicably.

PAPA: Mr. Uzo, I totally understand your point and I assure you that we shall get back to you. Please leave the list with us but go with your daughter. You shall definitely hear from us.

Mr. Uzo slams the list on the table and walks out while Lilian’s mum drags her by her ears and follows her husband. Sensing that my father was just getting started with me, I took 4 steps backwards.

PAPA: Young man where do you think you are going? I am a knight in the church and your mum and I made sure to bring you up in the way of the Lord. At what point did you start doing what married people do?

ME: Papa please what do married people do?

Had I known I wont have asked such mumu question. Without wasting time, I saw my father charging towards me, even my mum’s begging did not work this time. In that moment I saw a lion coming in for the kill. With fear, I ran towards the opposite direction without looking forward.

Well you see, in my house there is this flower vase that is older than everyone. A wedding gift from my father’s friend who has passed away. This vase is always seated on the table. Without looking forward I made to run away from the oncoming lion and ended up hitting the table with the all precious flower vase. The flower vase flew into the air and hit the floor, scattering into pieces. At this moment my father stopped , looked at the vase and I knew I was  DEAD AND BURIED!!!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED

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